I don’t know if I’m losing myself or finding myself, maybe a little of both. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of something, an ideal, a goal. I have been striving for success at my career, my health and body, and my personal projects. I feel like my flow of work goes and comes in this passion-addiction spectrum. It starts with the passion for that ideal, then some days it becomes obsessive, and I am yet to cross the line to an addictive state.
I actually don’t think I could cross that threshold. While I do have obsessive tendencies, I know deep down I am not an addictive person. I have been able to pull myself out of toxic situations and things that some end up addicted to till the day they die.
I feel like I’m constantly explaining to people about this tendency of mine. The “squeezing hard” effect I have on things, places, people, you name it. I think of them as fascinations. But then these “fascinations” die eventually. It could be that I get bored, or could also be that I am exposed to so many other ideals and goals that I adapt them and in doing so I stop “squeezing” my previous ones.
Maybe that’s just life, I mean there’s no legitimate way to live a life. We all have different ways of existing, and I feel like with the growth of connectivity and social media, we are able to get exposed to so much more– this pattern is bound to happen. This behavior could be the very norm of our generation. After all, the start-up world is all about passions and their sudden decays.I want to be able to express myself better, cleaner, more precise. I want to be able to make sense to anyone that seeks to understand my truth. And to this day I still amaze myself by how my brain works.
The more I work, the more I feel focused and creative. My attention converges with my obsessions as they get squeezed and dropped on a daily. Yet, lately these passions of mine have been able to sustain themselves. I truly think the closer related these passions are to each other – the more they interconnect – the better they can stand and survive, the better outlook I have on life.
Makes sense to me, I mean, the more united and interrelated things are in your life, the faster you realize how literally every single thing is interconnected. Having cohesiveness in what you do every day, from the moment you wake up, to the moment you go to bed and every single thing in between, awakens and frees you. Knowing that your life is part of the bigger picture of things, could be the very same thing that saves you from the existential bummer we all feel inside.
That “death” factor we are all born with is the intrinsic thread that pulls everything and everyone together. Being aware we are going to die isn’t something we tend to do, we hide it. We are afraid. But that same fear of death that we are born with, could at the same time be the one thing that encourages us to live. Courage and fear aren’t mutually exclusive at all, to the contrary, I believe the more we are aware of it, facing it head on, the more courageous we become in pursuing that which sets our souls on fire– that passion within us. Which, again, flows in a spectrum from innocent passion, to obsession and addiction.
Everyone talks about work-life balance, balanced diet, a balanced life, and I feel like it all means balancing your thoughts and inner-self as it flows in the passion spectrum. One obviously wants to float in the passion state the longest, it’s the most productive and healthy of them all, and without a passion we feel empty. Dead. But the real struggle comes when we flow from passion to obsession. Obsession could be healthy in small doses, enough to propel your passion to the next level, however when we linger in this obsessive pattern for too long, we are that close to make a leap to the addiction part of the spectrum. Here is where the real issues lie. No one wants to be addicted. The moment you become addicted to a passion (be it your job, a person, a situation, a habit, etc) the moment your life simulates dependency on it and with dependency comes the fear of death itself.
Facing that death factor when we are in the dependency level of addiction, feels like a personal death. Death to your personality, to your essence, you are a slave to the ideal you so innocently jumped in as a passion. Never let yourself linger too far in that spectrum, and if you do, make sure you are aware of it so that your inner strength kicks in and realizes it’s time to go back a notch to the passion ground.
SELF-AWARENESS IS KEY
Balance it. From working hard at something, to obsessing over something, to depending on something are too thin of walls. Make sure you keep the flow going, and never ever stay at one level for too long. Keep moving. Keep on moving. Balance is movement. Balance is the flow.